Givings of 2019

A Short Sad Story of Mine.

2019:

           I remember how happy I was on that New Year Eve, 1st of January is not just New Year to me, it's something more than that. I'm the happiest on this day. I receive such a lovely text from the person I really adored, because this day we actually get to know each other, in other words, An Anniversary. 

Everything was going in a flow, my cousins got married, my elder sister got married, it was just like a Royal Wedding, I did a lot of Roadtrips, from Islamabad to Alipur, from Islamabad to Karachi and from Islamabad to Skardu. My Daddy and I love travelling by road. I love nature, love being around with family and a bunch of friends, I had a lot of Best friends. I can just sit and busy myself in wondering, I love Glancing, it's one of my favorite hobbies. I could lay in my bed and count all of the blessings I have, a perfect luxurious life, such a loving family and Parents who trust me more than anyone, a lot of best friends, a healthy skin, thick hair, most importantly a smiley face and a hopeful heart. 

                                                     But Things Never remain the same.

  

   For me my Best friends were everything. They were so caring, more than yours, everyone could just look at us and say, 'you guys are best friend goals". I was super close to those three of my Best-friends. We could just sit and talk about Life, whenever I'm sad they always stood with me, they valued my words, they valued me. I got so much love from them. The memories I had with them are priceless. 

   But all of a sudden, everything started falling apart. I started University around August or September, I choose one of the toughest fields that is ACCA (Association of Certified Chartered Accountants) Two of my best-friends were with me in the same University, in the same class. In September, my nine year old friendship ended. In October, My five year old friendship ended and in December, my three year old friendship ended. I never knew this will happen, my best friends will leave me? Never. 

Even though I gave them the purest Love, Purest friendship, Purest Care. But people do take things for granted, and it's the reality. When my family and other friends came to know about this all, first thing they said, "Maybe, It's Nazar?"  But now They have left, It hurts, hurts alot, and I have to accept it.

   

Judgement is the worst topic ever, I was scared of judging and being judged. I was Judged in every way, not even me but my other friends were also, because I was friends with them. I never want anyone to get judged because of me. So, I kept a distance with my new and old friend's also. I don't know why they did so, what I see is Jealousy, Possessiveness, Priority issues in their eyes. 

   I got into arguments, arguments that were quite heart-breaking. But I knew I'm strong and no one can prove me wrong, but they don't wanna listen to the truth. People lied, and they believed, that thing hurt me the most. 

I never knew I'll hurt someone with my words, because I think I'm a great humanist, I love being nice to people, spreading smiles, helping around etc is my favorite topic. But I was anxious as well as depressed. 

Yes, I suffered Depression, Anxiety, and Sleeplessness. Talking about mental health publicly has always been my greatest fear, I thought people would think I'm psycho or something. I had a fear of being judged as I said above, and people calling me with different names. Well, No one did so far, but blamed me. That was something I never expected. Blaming hurts a lot when a person you prioritize the most, love the most, blames you for the things you never think of.

    Some tried to Bully me either Cyber or not. My Pets died, My Baby Doggo "Santa" and a pair of Australian birds. I started a non-profit organization on 14th February, after a few months of Boom, It flopped! I started blogging in December 2018, I deleted my blog. I was demotivated or distressed, I can't count what else happened to me so far, I can't even describe them. Some good and bad memories, all those sleepless nights and miserable days, those scenarios, how I suffered when they were not around, for them I was maybe useless or an empty-minded person, everything I have gone through will remain in my heart forever till my grave. My heart is so broke that I don't have words or I don't have stamina to recall them, I just don't know.

But I'm Thankful, Thankful enough that I stood strong, It doesn't mean I never cried, I cried and cried alot. Depression ruined me, I became noticeably thin, my hands used to shiver alot,  I lost 5kg weight without dieting, pimples and blemishes are visible all over my face, i had a huge hair loss, my hair got so thin, Alhamdullilah I do Hijab, but looking at myself even today, I wonder, what you have done to yourself! How do I Love again? How do I trust again? I'm scared! I used to stay up all night telling myself that No Anum you're alright. just totally fine. Nothing's wrong with you. And there, right there, a tear rolled down my eyes and everything crumbles apart. 

   Even Yesterday on New Year's Eve, I had a two-hour crying session and that's okay. It's okay not to be okay. But it's not the end of me, I still have the most precious thing with me that is my Soul. All I need is myself and Allah. If I can help everyone around going through hard times in life, why can;t I help myself? What my friends did, It is no surprise, they looked away like I wasn't the person who was with them when no one was, but well. I have learned a lot of lessons. My New Year resolutions 2020 are totally different from the previous ones, because that time I was satisfied, I gave people chances, I compromised my dreams and wishes, struggled for people. And now, I'm chasing no one. This was the day I gave the last chance and yeah, they lost it too. 

    I don't know if I am Sad or Happy, it's just a weird mixture of emotions. You know all those situations helped me out in Self-Determination and I got real close to Allah Almighty. I'm hopeful that I will cure myself. And I hope you all will stand with me on this Journey of Mine, Healing the wounds they gave and Finding my true self!

Your Lovely Friend, 

Anum Zehra